Twilight Theme Songs
by fluffily
Summary: I have decided to find theme songs for each and every one of the characters of Twilight. Each chapter is dedicated to one character and comes with the lyrics to the song worked into a funny crackfic oneshot. Rated T just in case.
1. Emmett: Funny Bear

A/N: Okay, so I know you all want to strangle me for making yet another fanfiction when I already have so much to update, but I'm going to be finding theme songs for every one of the Twilight characters (trying to be humorous with it, too, so you won't b

**A/N: Okay, so I know you all want to strangle me for making yet another fanfiction when I already have so much to update, but I'm going to be finding theme songs for every one of the Twilight characters (trying to be humorous with it, too, so you won't be hearing many sad songs) over the next few days/weeks/months/however long it takes to find good songs anyway. I'll try to also leave the lyrics with them, but you should really go listen to each song as I add them. That would complete the experience. I already have a few picked out, so updates will come more often until my ideas burn out and I have to really go hunting. **

**Disclaimer: I own none of the songs used in this fanfic, and the talented Stephenie Meyer owns the Twilight series and all of its themes, plots, characters, etc. I am not making any money off of this, no copyright infringement intended, blah, blah, blah.**

**A/N: Ugh. Me hates disclaimers. Anways, first up is Emmett. His theme song is the one that inspired me to make this little parody fanfic. Oh, did I mention that I'll be writing little one-shot type things to go along with each song? No? Well, I is. So yay. –giggles-**

**EmPOV: **"Guys, look!! I just found the coolest song EVER!! You gotta come listen to it!!" I screamed, staring unblinkingly at the screen of my fancy desktop computer.

"Emmet, the last time we willingly came when you called for us, we were all cleaning exploded gummy bears from our hair for weeks!" Edward called from his bedroom. There were a few grunts and growls of agreement.

"But guys," I whined. "It's funny and will only result in _minimal_ casualties."

"No," Edward snapped.

What a mean guy.

"Rosie? Will _you _come listen to it?"

"No. I'm busy painting my nails. Besides, Edward's right. You are not to be trusted."

"Aaaaaawwwww, you're all a bunch of buzz-killers, you know that?"

More sounds of agreement.

And then a plan formed in my brilliant mind. A plan that could not be foiled, no way, no how. A plan so fool-proof, so ingenious, so absolutely amazing, that not even a gummy bear could have thought it up.

Somewhere in the labyrinth of winding hallways and huge rooms, Alice and Edward groaned in synchronization.

I hit the play button. And turned the music up… get ready for this… FULL VOLUME!! Ha ha, I'm a genius. No one could've thought of that besides me and my brilliantly wonderful, devilishly-

"Moronic?" Edward called over the pounding music as the song began.

_Oh I'm a funny bear, yes I'm a funny bear. Oh I'm a yummy tummy funny lucky funny bear._

I began dancing and singing along, running through the house so the whole world could hear my wonderful singing voice and check out my awesome moves.

_But I'm a jolly bear, cause I'm a funny bear. Oh I'm a movin, grovin, jammin, singin funny bear._

Giant holes appeared in the floor behind me as I bounded through the house, using helium-filled balloons to get my voice to sound squeaky like the song.

_Oh I'm a funny bear, yes I'm a funny bear. Oh I'm a yummy tummy funny lucky funny bear._

"Emmett!!" Esme screeched. Yay! She must like my performance! "EMMETT!!" the voices of Jasper, Alice, Rosalie, Carlisle, and Edward screamed. They were cheering me on!! Hooray!! I should _so _be a rock star!

_But I'm a jolly bear, cause I'm a funny bear. Oh I'm a movin, grovin, jammin, singin funny bear. Oh yeah._

I bounded into Alice's room, handed her an autographed picture of me (which she proceeded to tear into little tiny pieces), stole her hairbrush, and proceeded to use it as a microphone as I skipped back into the hallway, to the sound of my family feigning being angry. Or maybe they were jealous.

_Ba ba da duby duby yum yum. Ba ba da duby duby yum yum. Ba ba da duby duby yum yum. Three times you can bite me. Oh yeah. Ba ba da duby duby yum yum. Ba ba da duby duby yum yum. Ba ba da duby duby yum yum. Three times you can bite me._

Edward tackled me from behind. Ah, fangirls. I shook him off easily and continued to bound through the house, which shook in synchronization with my skipping and dancing and the beat of the music, which was enough to deafen any human within a mile's radius of the house.

_Funny funny funny funny funny bear. Oh I'm a funny bear. Yes I'm a funny bear. Oh I'm a yummy tummy funny lucky funny bear. But I'm a jolly bear, cause I'm a funny bear. Oh I'm a movin grovin jammin singin funny bear._

I bounced into the garage and disassembled all of the cars (except for mine). After all, I was a rockstar. I could get away with _anything_!!

_Oh I'm a funny bear. Yes I'm a funny bear. Oh I'm a yummy tummy funny lucky funny bear. But I'm a jolly bear, cause I'm a funny bear. Oh I'm a movin grovin jammin singin funny bear. Oh yeah._

Bang. Crash. Boom. Smash. What glorious sounds.

_Ba ba da duby duby yum yum. Ba ba da duby duby yum yum. Ba ba da duby duby yum yum. Three times you can bite me._

By now, Esme was screaming and wielding a flamethrower at me. "Oooohhhhh, pretty light!" I sang. "But Esme, I'm already hot enough. If I was on fire, that would be just plain unfair."

_Oh yeah. Ba ba da duby duby yum yum. Ba ba da duby duby yum yum. Ba ba da duby duby yum yum. Three times you can bite me._

Jasper began singing and dancing with me, caught in the flow of my emotions. We square-danced together, disco-danced, and played the air guitar. "Don't quit your other job, Jazzy!" I screeched. "Cause you totally suck at this!"

Jasper looked offended and stalked off, Alice dragging him along behind her, eyes blazing.

_Funny funny funny funny funny bear. Oh I'm a funny bear, yes I'm a funny bear. Oh I'm a yummy tummy funny lucky funny bear._

I ripped open a couple hundred bags of gummy bears and threw them into the air. Then I started a fire, and the gummy bears all promptly exploded.

_But I'm a jolly bear. Cause I'm a funny bear. Oh I'm a movin grovin jammin singin funny bear. Oh yeah._

My family stood, dumbfounded, as millions of gummy bears began to explode, and the house burned to the ground around us. I was bringing the house down! Get it? Bringing the house down! Literally! Ahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

_Ba ba da duby duby yum yum. Ba ba da duby duby yum yum. Ba ba da duby duby yum yum. Three times you can bite me._

I stopped dancing, frightened, as my family members surrounded me and my gummy bears continued to explode around us. I still sang as loudly as I could, though.

_Gummy gummy gummy gummy gummy bear._

And with a final popping noise, the last gummy bear exploded, my desktop computer burst into flames, and the house lay in ruins around us.

"Emmett," my family began slowly, in unison, their voices quiet. Then they all took a deep breath and screamed "SHUT UP!!"

"Emmett, you're grounded," Carlisle added as Bella pulled into the driveway, climbed out of her car, and stared wide-eyed at the pile of ashes that was our house.

**A/N: Ah, that was fun to write. All credit for the song (I think it's called gummy bear, or funny bear. Something like that. I have no idea who sings it or wrote it, or anything. My friend just randomly found it and showed it to me.) goes to whoever wrote it, sings it, whatever. I don't, I repeat, don't, own anything, and gummy bears don't really explode when exposed to open flame. Hope you like it! Review, review, review!**


	2. Carlisle: Like a Surgeon

**A/N: Okay, well, I haven't updated for a while because 1) I tend to put things off for ages until people get so pissed they send me thousands of death threats, and 2) I haven't been able to decide who to write about next and which of the many theme song ideas I have to use for them. I finally decided to do Carlisle. His theme song is **_**Like a Surgeon **_**by Weird Al, the parody of **_**Like a Virgin **_**by Madonna. I don't own either song. I am not Madonna, and I am most definitely not Weird Al. And the song's much better if you also get the chance to watch the music video. Just search for it on youtube, or somewhere.**

**Disclaimer: Like I said, I don't own ANYTHING. Twilight, Weird Al, Madonna, these songs, or the music video. Nothing except the idea to give the Cullens humorous theme songs, and the one-shots. But I am not, I repeat, not, Stephenie Meyer, Weird Al, Madonna, or anyone else besides myself. No money is being made from this. No copyright infringement is intended.**

**A/N Cont: Ungh. That hurt me right here. –gestures at heart- And now for something that'll hurt your whole body when you check into Forks Hospital! I now present –dramatic music- Caaaarrrrrrrllliiiiiiiissssssllllleeeeee!!**

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I walked into the operating room, smiling at everyone assembled there.

"I trust you are prepared to perform the surgery now, Dr. Cullen?"

I nodded. "Indeed. I'm sorry I'm late. My children were… misbehaving." What else was new? I thought to myself. I'm always late thanks to my adopted kids. Especially… no. No, it's wrong to play favorites. But Emmett… no. Bad Carlisle. Bad.

"Erm… Doctor? We're ready to execute the surgery now."

Huh. Execute. A strange way to put it. Wouldn't you say something like perform? Accomplish? Conduct? Do? Carry out? Achieve? Execute made it sound like I was going to kill someone. That would kind of suck.

"Doctor?" the man's voice cut into my thoughts. I looked up at him, slightly perturbed for a moment before I realized that I'd been standing there for almost two minutes, and the patient, who was to have a brain surgery, was already out cold.

If I had been human, I would have blushed. I walked up to the operating table and began the surgery, trying my hardest to focus. What was my problem today? I couldn't keep my mind on track. How annoying.

What else was annoying? I thought to myself. Emmett. No. Bad Carlisle, bad. No playing favorites and least favorites. It's not fair. Edward? Yes, some of his music – no. Bad Carlisle. No playing favorites and least favorites. Edward is a good person. What about Alice and her shopping – no. Bad. Shut up.

The doctors were eyeing me now. "If you're not up to this, Dr. Cullen, one of us could take your place for the day. You look tired. Maybe you should go get some rest."

That was annoying, too. Ugh. "I'm fine."

Suddenly, some quiet music began in the room. Hm. I didn't know that they played music during major surgeries.

_I finally made it through med school  
Somehow I made it through  
I'm just an intern  
I still make a mistake or two_

_I was last in my class  
Barely passed at the institute  
Now I'm trying to avoid, yeah I'm trying to avoid  
A malpractice suit_

_Hey, like a surgeon  
Cuttin' for the very first time  
Like a surgeon  
Organ transplants are my line_

_Better give me all your gauze nurse  
This patient's fading fast  
Complications have set in  
Don't know how long he'll last_

_Let me see, that I.V.  
Here we go - time to operate  
I'll pull his insides out, pull his insides out  
And see what he ate_

_Like a surgeon, hey  
Cuttin' for the very first time  
Like a surgeon  
Here's a waiver for you to sign_

_Woe, woe, woe  
Woe, woe, woe  
Woe, woe, woe_

_It's a fact - I'm a quack  
The disgrace of the A.M.A.  
'Cause my patients die, yah my patients die  
Before they can pay_

_Like a surgeon, hey  
Cuttin' for the very first time  
Like a surgeon  
Got your kidneys on my mind_

_Like a surgeon, ooh-hoo like a surgeon  
When I reach inside  
With my scalpel, and my forceps, and retractors  
Oh ho, oh ho_

_Ooh baby, yeah  
I can hear your heartbeat  
For the very last time_

Wow, cool song. I swayed a little to it. Catchy. Too bad I missed the lyrics. I should have paid closer attention. What was that song? I tried to focus. Sigh. I barely knew anything of more recent music. Now I'd never hear it again. Oh, wait, I bet if I thought the tune of it to Edward, he could tell me what it was. Ah, maybe he wasn't as annoying as I'd thought.

There were barely concealed gasps of horror. I looked down as I felt something wet squirt up and soak my hair.

I gasped.

My patient was dead.

Crap, crap, crap!

Hey, I wondered. Where might they bury her? Surely not that awful, decrepit old place down near La Push? I felt sorry for this girl if that was the case.

Then the misery hit. I should go emo. How could I do this? It was all my fault. I fell to my knees, sobbing dryly.

There were muffled laughs from everyone around me.

I looked up. Huh?

"She's fine, Cullen. Now go get some rest." One of the doctors made shooing gestures at me.

"What…?"

He grinned a very Emmett-like grin.

Oh god.

Emmett.

The other doctors and nurses in the room took off their disguises.

Jasper and Edward gave each other high fives.

"You guys'll just love what he was thinking!" he chuckled.

"What? I repeat, what?"

Edward chuckled again. "Jazz, you can stop now."

I suddenly found it as easy as normal to focus on my surroundings.

I glared at my children. "You are in deep trouble."

"But daddy!" Emmett whined. "You didn't even let us explain!"

"Fine. Explain," I said curtly.

"Okay, well, the people at the hospital said it would be okay if we pranked you as long as no one died," judging by his expression, those restrictions had limited him quite inconveniently. "So we dressed up and Jazzy made you unfocused, and Edward listened to your thoughts and you fell for it 'cause you're stupid." Jasper and I growled in unison. Jasper didn't like being called Jazzy. Jazz, maybe. But never Jazzy. And I wouldn't stand for being called stupid.

He hurried on. "So we made a robot for you to do brain surgery on. By the way, you just gave the robot severe brain damage. And I just want you to know that it was all Edward's idea."

"Ha!" Edward snorted.

"It was Emmett," we all chorused. Ah, our family motto.

"Maybe so, Carlisle," Edward agreed. "But it looks to me like you have your own personal theme song now, too. Like a Surgeon." The "kids" all laughed.

What a strange title. Huh. Oh, that was just fabulous, though. Now I could find the song on iTunes and buy it. Huh, wasn't there another song like that? What was it called…? Oh, yes. Like a… oh. That's obscene. Oh, lollipops taste good. I'd almost forgotten. Wait, I've never tasted one. Shame. If I ate one now, I'd have to cough it back up like a cat with a candy-flavored hairball.

The others just stared at me.

"Jazz, I told you to stop," Edward muttered.

"I'm not doing anything," Jasper snapped.

Everyone slowly turned to stare at me.

"Wow, he's more of an airhead than I thought," Rosalie muttered.

"You're all grounded," I said dreamily, thinking about what kind of animal you'd get if a puppy and a kitty got married.

"Well, he has some sense in him," Alice muttered.

Bella laughed nervously. "Um..."

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**A/N: Wasn't that fun? Love it? Hate it? Am I an idiot who seriously needs a beta? Review! And say nothing about the song _Like a Virgin _and how it's perfect for a certain Edward Cullen. -cough, cough- I'm considering that as Edward's. How does that sound? Give me song suggestions, please! All suggestions welcome. The worst that could happen is me not using them and thanking you anyway. That's not so bad, right? Right?! ANSWER ME!! Heh, I had sugar.**


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